Per my discussion on "not caring about anything"...

I decided to make a simple, but very detailed bargraph to represent when, and how often you should give a fuck. Blow this up and put it up on your wall if you need a daily reminder. Since I've obviously mastered the art of not caring, you'll notice that the frequency of days I do care has a beautiful contrast to the days I don't...


Best wishes on your quest for not caring about anything,
-S. Walling

Pissing the bed is not hoodrat...but pissing the bed with a girl in it, IS hoodrat...

So one night my band had a show up at La Cave in costa Mesa. Every time we play la cave, our friends always show up in full force, get super smashed, and act like complete idiots. This night was no exception.

Just about everyone I know came to the show that night and they were already well on their way to hammered before they got there. I was a little worried about how they would look in front of the booking agency that came out to see us that night...but whatever, this is rock and roll.

I knew it was gonna be a good night when I walked in the door and a girl walks up to me and introduces herself as Sasha Licious (no joke, that's her name). She was more than mildly attractive and I figured I could woo her with my "slappin the bass" skills. I did.

Anyways, beer got spilled, girls got knocked down and fell on top of pedal boards, shit got wild, and once we finished playing, I proceeded to play catch up with my friends...taking note that my best buddy Cosmic Dave was nowhere to be found.

We all took cabs home, from the place and continued the party at my next door neighbor's house. I last looked at the clock around 4:30am, and woke up in my jacket, jeans and shoes sitting upright on my neighbor's couch around 7:30am with a massive headache and a bigger urge to get back to sleep in my own bed next door.

I walk up stairs, notice the front door is open, walk back to my room ready to fall face first into bed, but instead, I see Cosmic Dave sprawled out face down on MY bed in a puddle of his own urine. The worst part about this is that he lives only half a mile away, and the girl he had brought over lives even closer, yet for some reason, in his blacked out debauchery mode, he decided to go to my house, get down in my bed, piss himself silly and as a result, piss all over the girl who then woke up and stormed out...leaving my front door open for me.

The moral of the story here, kids, is that drinking 30 beers is not a bad thing, but it's a pussy thing. If Cosmic Dave were any good at drinking hard alcohol, he would have had only half as much fluid in his system throughout the night, and would have never needed the kind of relief that comes on it's own when you're blacked out drunk.

Cosmic Dave was on laundry duty the next day, and paid for an immediate emergency deep steam cleaning of my matress.

Do you know how much it costs to have a heady duty steam cleaning done on your queen sized matress? $65. I have still never pissed the bed.

The only thing that makes this story hoodrat is that he pissed on the girl and got away with it, cause she still digs him. He did not get away with pissing the bed. Idiot.

Next time wear some Pull-Ups,
-S. Walling

It's better to ask forgiveness than to ask permission...

I've got to give my mom credit for teaching me this aspect of being a hoodrat. When you want to do something bad, it's better to ask for forgiveness if you get caught than to ask permission.



You see, if you ask permission to do something bad, most likely you are going to be told NO. That doesn't always mean you won't still do it, but the consequences are worse and someone'll probably be on the lookout for you doing whatever party stunt you were about to pull.



Now, if you don't care about anything, you can feel free to just do whatever you want first...if someone catches you and tries to bust you, you can always ask for forgiveness and play dumb. More often than not, you'll get off with a warning and no real consequences except for maybe a bad reputation...which can be a great asset.



To reference a previous story: do you think the staff at Woody's would have let us smoke a joint on the patio with tons of people around if we asked? No. But since we just did whatever the hell we wanted, they just laughed and noted our hoodrat party stunt. (I'm just now remembering that when I turned around, I realized that an ex-girlfriend had conveniently picked the table right next to mine and the chair right next to me to sit in. She tried to tell me to wash off my ridiculous sharpie mustache...I told her to fuck off cause the babe sitting in my lap didn't seem to mind it. Win.)

"Shit got weird" is bad, "Shit got wild" is good...

I just wanted to clarify something here:
When you send a text to your friends saying "shit got weird last night"...we think that we did something wrong or embarrassing that might have creeped some people out (not that we'd care about anything like that).

When you want to remind us of how hard we all blacked out last night and nobody remembers anything, you should use the phrase "shit got wild last night!".

Recap: "WEIRD" = BAD & "WILD" = GOOD

Either way, we don't care cause we know we must have done some serious hoodrat things so all's well that ends well.


Keep gettin away with it,
-S. Walling

A note on "not caring about anything"...

I've learned this from my good friends Cosmic Dave. One of the keys to getting away with bad things is to literally "not care about anything". Now I understand that can sound selfish (but again, we don't care), but let me further explain to shed some light on the subject and help influence you in your quest for getting away with doing bad things.

We all love our friends and our family and we obviously care about them and wish them well. However, if a judgemental friend/family member/stranger/etc were to say "you don't do anything but party" (which is blatantly not true, cause you also probably surf and play in a rock and roll band and sail and do a bunch of other rad shit) you should look them in the eye and say "I literally don't care about ANYTHING". I think it would help to have a 5th of whiskey nearby to crack open and take a swig out of just to prove your point. The fact is, you know you don't party too much cause everyone knows that Mondays and Tuesdays are typically reserved for NOT partying...and throw in a Sunday off every once in a while and a Tuesday or Thursday off here or there and you legitimately don't party TOO much. Screw them.

Bouncer at a bar or club. If they tell you to stop doing something, why should you stop if you don't care about anything? One time Cosmic Dave danced on top of a pool table to prove he didn't care about anything. One time I sprayed bottles of beer all over a crowded patio at a bar cause I didn't care about anything. One time the two of us together with some friends sat a table on that same crowded patio, smoked a joint in front of everyone there, the staff took note, told us how bad we were, then just walked away. We were very grateful for their compliment of our hoodrat activities.

You see, the main reason to not care about anything is it makes it easier to get away with anything. Then again, sometimes this kinda hoodrat shit gets you kicked out of bars...but it doesn't matter if you don't care about anything.

What makes Liam Gallagher so cool? He literally doesn't give a shit about anything!

Current Affairs

That's a clever title...

Today I officially put the bookend on a 7 day weekend. I've had some equal parts beautiful/poorly influential partnership in crime the last week...not to pass the blame, I've been a "devil" myself and been the source of good ideas to do bad things for the most part.

To get a only a touch in depth on that, as I hate to kiss and tell...a week ago monday I got a text from an acquaintance telling me of plans I should adopt for the night. It sounded like a good idea, so I cancelled a few things for that evening, had a good time, and decided I should cancel everything I was supposed to do the next day as well and drink Bloody Marys in bed. I put in about 2 hours of work between Wednesday and Thursday combined, and decided it was far more important to get back to the weekend.

So I did. Thursday became Friday, on which night I had a Mariachi band play on my balcony, followed by skinny dipping in the ocean with some babes, and that rolled into Saturday morning which started out with a bang, 2 shots of vodka before getting to the pub crawl, then hoodrat activities at said pub crawl (all of which I got away with)...which rolled into me waking up at 6am on my own couch Sunday morning for a church gig. Yes, I was still drunk. Well, drunk for the first service, then hungover for the second. Whatever, I play music better when I'm drunk...and didn't Jesus sponsor a party by turning water into wine once??? Sunday morning quickly ended and Sunday Funday started with a joint, lunch, booze on the beach, BBQ, beers, Drunk MadGab(official game of Hoodrats worldwide), good company and a very slim chance I was leaving my bed for work on Monday.

Boss emailed me Monday morning from out of town saying he'll be back in a week, which meant breakfast beers at Cocos, an afternoon joint and some afternoon delight. Best Monday I've ever had? Yup. To top that off I scored two epic goals in hockey and won the game for my team that night.

Then there was Tuesday...I got dressed for work...got some stuff ready...went to see a client that wasn't there...so I took the rest of the day to myself and decided that I REALLY gotta do some goddamn work tomorrow.

But that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you do bad things (all day drinking, drinking on the beach, drunk in public, open container, public nudity, illegal swimming in the harbor, not working for a whole week, smoking marijuana cigarettes, etc etc etc) and get away with it.

How to do bad things with your friends and get away with it.

The Hoodrat Manifesto is a book in the works. Until published, this blog will host funny stories that have already happened, and those that happen along the way.

The Hoodrat Manifesto's mission is to train, educate, influence and encourage doing bad things with your friends. The Hoodrat Manifesto's intent is to help you get away with it. Don't blame the actions and advice of the characters if you yourself cannot get away with the storied acts of hoodrat shit and misdemeanors (mostly).

Ahoy,
-Snoopy Walling