The "Born Again Virgin"...

I'll preface this story with the inescapable fact that I have no filter. I say things that I shouldn't on a regular basis. Trust me, this is in no way an effort to be mean or rude, it's just that I happen to say exactly what's on my mind, whether or not it is appropriate....and of course I don't care, it's just my reality.
So, one Saturday afternoon, some friends and I had been invited to hang at a girl's house down the street who was having a little get together. This girl is a tall, pretty girl with obvious fake boobs. Now when I see a girl with fake tits, I'm automatically assuming that she is promiscuous, after all, she did pay for fake tits for a reason, and if she weren't down to undress, why would she pay for them?
Well at some point during the day, the conversation takes a funny turn when someone says the word "virgin", so I -being not only mildly buzzed, but also more than mildly high- chime in and say to everyone in a facetious tone "I'm a virgin". Then I say to Cosmic Dave "you're a virgin too, right?"
"Oh of course" says Cosmic Dave in an equally facetious tone.
Hunter chimes in "and me too!", all of us trying to get a rise out of the party goers, who we see as our own personal audience.
A few seconds later, the tall, pretty, thin girl with the obvious fake boobs pipes up and says "I'm a born again virgin". Her comment got a good bout of laughter from myself including a "hahaha, good one!", followed by a few chuckles from my buddies (not sure if they were laughing her comment, or laughing at me for mocking her stand for celibacy), which was followed by a nice long awkward silence on the patio...then everyone went on their merry way conversing again and let it slide, so I forgot all about it.
You see, apparently she was serious. I did not actually get to the bottom of that until later on in the afternoon when she pulled me aside in the kitchen and scolded me for scoffing at her plea of decency in front of all her friends. At some point in her life (post-paying for her tits and likely showing them off to many people) she had a revelation and decided to become a "born again virgin". She told me she was upset that I scoffed at her statement, to which I replied "but it was hilarious!". Needless to say, I don't think we'll be invited over anymore.
Ya know, it's not like I was trying to offend the girl, I just thought she was chiming in on the same joke that we all were making about our sexuality. If that were the case, she would have been even more witty and clever than the rest of us to bust out the "born again virgin" joke...but she meant it, and it wasn't a joke at all.

Open mouth, insert foot
-S. Walling

Parking by the beach is a bitch...

Let's face it, everyone wants to be near the beach, especially on the weekend nights when we're all partying. So the first thing to be gone around 5:oopm on a friday evening around here is available on street parking...the very next thing to go is my sobriety, if I ever regained it after Thursday night.

In order to properly tell this story, I need to give you some details of how the night started...

So one night after recently moving in to a new place, my new roommate and a girlfriend of hers went out to the bars for a few drinks. Well, they being girls had only a few drinks, and I had a lot. This was only after we rode bikes to the bars...which was only after I made a togo cup coctail concoction. I had to make the concoction since we had no plastic cups. Anyways, here's the insructions for your coctail togo cup, should you ever find yourself without any plastic cups, but for some reason a plethora of Birthday Cone Hats:

Step 1: Grab your Birthday Cone Hat...put tape on the folded over part to prevent leakage.












Step 2: Pour in that liqour...(don't forget to fill the flask back up for the bars)












Step 3: Pour in that mixer...









Step 4: hop on your bike and drink up on your way to the bar

So we rode our bikes to the bars, I pounded the cone, drank another flask, drinks at the bar, etc etc...and all the sudden I'm far more intoxicated than anyone else.

My roommate and her friend collected me from the group of girls I was entertaining with stories of revelry, as we were getting picked up for a free ride home. The drive was only about 2 minutes, but the search for parking was racking up time and getting way too tedious.

I noticed a spot that was several feet too small for our car (or anything other than a smart car) with a 1990's mercedes in front and something else in back. The Benz had about 3 feet in front of it's wheels to the red zone, so I decided to do what any drunk, persistent, show off would do:

I climbed into the Mercedes through it's opened sun roof and unlocked the car...put the car in neutral (and this was an automatic...not sure why I was so certain it would work, and not sure why it did work), and pushed the car out of our way so we could park. Put the mercedes in park and locked in once again.

First night out with my new roommate and her friends, and already I had a reputation as a hoodrat. They were impressed enough to document my homemade togo cup for your viewing pleasure, but as far as the climbing in the stranger's mercedes (which could well have been mistaken for Grand Theft Auto if the owner came out), some things are better left undocumented.

-S. Walling

PS- Final note here...I find that when you bring a flask(s) to the bars, it's fun to go up to the bartender and lie and say "can I have a soda? I'm the DD tonight..." and then fill up your free soda with the booze you brought. Where it gets really good is when you keep going back for those free sodas (cause after all "you're driving") and keep filling it up with your booze, and your speech starts to slur as you've drank more and more of that booze from your flasks...will the bartender notice your speech start to slur? Will he call you out for lying and make you pay for those sodas? I think that's my next test at a bar...

Leaving for Las Vegas

2 Mini kegs for the drive out
1 Mexican Ice chest
20LBS of ice
1 Bottle of Vodka
1 Pack of Cigarettes
No Clean Clothes
Party Bus
Rental Car to get home

This is gonna be fuckin HOODRAT!

Ladies and Gentlemen...God has smiled upon us

That's right kids, that's a Newcastle draughtkeg. For years now, we've only had the option of drinking the shitty Heineken draughtkeg if we wanted to pull a party stunt like drinking out of one of these things. But now, alas, after all this time...I introduce the Newcast Brown Ale draughtkeg.

I was at my local Albertson's yesterday when I spotted this heavenly blessing. I know what you're wondering...and yes, I made a scene in the middle of the beer aisle...yes, I started cursing loudly in excitement and proclaiming my love for Newcastle...yes, people in line were in awe of my forthcoming purchase...yes, they left the line and went and grabbed one too.

In my years of debauchery, I've drank more Newcastle than any other beer. I'm definitely not the pussy that complains "oh, it's too heavy for me"...or, "I can only drink 1 or 2 of those". No no...I'm the guy who has walked uninvited to the storage room of grocery stores in search of their last case of Newcastle. And I found it. Unfortunately, I've been getting a bit bored of Newcastle lately. Maybe it was due to overconsumption, maybe it's just not that great of a beer...but whatever the case, my faith was restored when they released the draughtkeg.

I drank all 5 litres of it last night.
Then went to the bars.
Then woke up in my bed at 10am with no idea of what how I got there.
Time to go to Vegas.

Too $hort is a hoodrat

I mean...he basically invented the word "BITCH".

Too $hort, why you say those nasty words? Cause he doesn't give a shit about anything.

Breaking the hoodrat mold...but just for a second

PLANET EARTH IS THE MOST UNBELIEVABLE THING I HAVE EVER SEEN!

I can't even believe how amazingly beautiful this planet is.

Did yo uknow there are fresh water dolphins?!? What the fuck?

Make sure you buy the BBC version, cause David Attenborough is a better narrator than Sigourney Weaver.